April in Paris. Dorothy Parker spoke longingly of it, Vernon Duke composed a song about it, and Ella Fitzgerald crooned the lyrics as I plunked down the airfare for a Parisian spring break. Quelle mistake. I wasted a vacation and a lot of money, but gained ... the scoop on the City of Light: its myths and the honest truth--as experienced by objective, unbiased me.

Myth #1 - The sun will shine on you in Paris.

If I'd been checking guidebooks instead of watching Maurice Chevalier movies I'd have known that Paris in April is a wet blanket, and cold to boot. One guide's weather chart predicts 16°-60°F for April. Another reports gray skies, chill, and lots of rain. In other words, there will be no sunny frolicking among the daffodils and no bright paté-and-chèvre picnics in April.

Myth #2 - The essential attractions in Paris are the monuments and museums.

False. When you travel in dreary weather, your destination had better be worth the wretched trip. I go on record that huddling with the tourist flock in a driving rain at the foot of the Eiffel Tower, peeping past the rim of my umbrella, does not do it for me. And much as I love fine art, wandering damply through the labyrinthine halls of the Louvre, queuing up with the soggy hordes for a peek at the Venus de Milo doesn't rock me, either. The palace is beautiful, but it does not seem to be a quintessential French moment. Once I'm off the Parisian streets and ensconced inside a museum, I could just as well be home.

Abandoning the tourist stampede and making like a Parisian was more rewarding. This meant finding a café and spending the day caffeinating up and/or boozing down, watching the raw Parisian streets from the dry side of a window, and rubbing umbrellas with the French. Why fly to Paris if all the people I see are the ones I flew with on the plane? I came to Paris to immerse myself in the most civilized of cities, and cafés are undeniably the epitome of civilization. Parisians in café mode are the true gems of Paris--fair weather or foul.

Myth #3 - Parisian are odious and obnoxious; the less time spent among them, the better.
Myth #4 - Parisians won't deign to speak to you unless your Parisian accent is exquisite.

Hanging out in the café will get tiresome if no one talks to you. But with a good phrasebook and an endless willingness to humiliate myself, I did not lack for café conversation. A favorite icebreaker was why I was not, at that moment, soaking up culture in the Louvre.

Myth #5 - Paris in springtime is romance itself.